A time to be alone…
Inspired by the recent purchase of the same titled book. I devoured this book in just over a day! This is a fab achievement considering I haven’t completed a book in the last 6 years owing to constraints on my time and energy. And so to consume this book so quickly meant it reasonated with me. Which it did. Author Chidera Eggerue creatively captures the need for self love, awareness and inner strength…this is definitely what I need right now…
I am currently 4 months into my second pregnancy and am more physically alone than ever. My mother lives a distance away, my brother and dad are working and without wanting to generalise, men are so different when it comes to being ‘present’ with certain things and this is no different. They check in on me via whats app which is cool and very much appreciated. But in the physical sense it is me and G daily.
Maybe you’re scratching you’re head and wondering well, where is the father? Well, as it happens we went our separate ways. Not the best timing in some senses, but the best timing in other ways.
I mourn the fairy tail images of life I have in my head of what it could of been like to be pregnant with your partner around. Him lovingly, doting on you, loving your changing body, wanting to pour his support over you as he sees the daily activities becoming a bit more challenging. I imagine playful games to come up with names and us having G take part too, so its a real family event to welcome the new member. I imagine the bond as a family growing stronger and deeper as we all look forward to our next chapter as a family.
But alas, it is not a fairy tail and as I sit typing this with a throbbing pain in my hip, and sip my tea after walking in the rain with 4 litre bottles of water (I know I shouldn’t be carrying them but we needed water!).
I could get sad. Bitter. Disheartened. Angry. Resentful.
But instead, I am happy.
This is a weird occurrence as when I was alone with G, I was not happy, I was all of the above and wanting things to magically change.
But this time, I don’t actually feel alone. I feel comforted. I feel peaceful. Don’t get me wrong I get tired, I feel drained, I wish there was someone else to take some of the load but overall I feel thankful.
Thankful to be carrying another child, thankful that even though my family are not in close proximity, they care, worry and want to support and help me as best they can. I feel grateful and loved. The situation I am in was not created by them, and though it sometimes feels like I am shouldering most of the upheaval and discomfort, I know that God has chosen this path for me. If He wanted another path things would be going differently.
I look at my life and look at my time being a mother. Having G has provided me with the most growth, love, empathy, life knowledge and acceptance that I would not have learnt, had I not travelled the path I have.
I am optimistic about the future, whatever that looks like. And realise this situation is again changing me. It is forcing me to slow down and do less. It is forcing me to process uncomfortable emotions in a better way – if not for my wellbeing, but that of my children. I have a very happy, kind, friendly child who is THE BEST and I am currently growing number 2, soo I have to be mindful of my thoughts and actions as they go beyond me.
Each day is a conscious challenge and I am hopeful that as this pregnancy goes on I can stay happy and optimistic about the future. I hope I can look back on this in years to come and be able to see why I went on this journey and where God was directing me.