I wanted to say goodbye.
Our friendship has come to an end and I wanted you to know why.
You have been a scar on my heart for the last few years.
And finally, I have found a way to heal this scar for good.
I write this at a particularly poignant time as I have just had my final re opening of the scar, one final reminder of why I am saying goodbye.
This week I have been unsettled and moody at times, I was revisiting an old wound and started to pick away at it. I did not even mean to but a combination of events, comments and actions by various people slowly pushed me towards dwelling or ‘ruminating’ as a past CBT counsellor called it on actions and things people have said or even failed to say.
I tossed and turned questions and thoughts in my mind and kept coming back to the same conclusion.
“They just don’t like me.”
“They” are people who I called “Friends”. People I have worked with, been on holiday with, drank, danced, laughed with. People who I have celebrated birthdays, births and special occasions with. People I have been to school with, gossiped about boys with and who have seen me in various states of inhibriations across the years.
And yet, as I thought across various times in my life when I really wanted or needed someone – not to party with, not to gossip about boys with or drink with. Instead someone to show emotional support in times of need , show a level of friendship that went beyond the artificial.
I struggled to think of people.
Times of heartbreak, where were the “Get over him drinks?” Or girls rallying around? When my daughter had certain tests or procedures where were the calls of concern or visits? When I had trips to A&E where was the concern beyond a text?
“But hang on everyone has stuff going on in their own lives! You selfish b*tch stop being so self centred and get your head out your ass” – I imagine a lot of people might be thinking at this point.
I am not unique. I am not the only one to feel left out or alone, forgotten. I am not, I am not the first and I won’t be the last.
But I have chosen to deal with it differently from here on in – as it has been a painful thing to carry around.
Blaming myself, feeling responsible. Feeling different.
Yes it is true there are people who are going though worse things, but however hard a situation is to someone their pain is relevant to them right? It is however in those times of need you would like to think you can turn to friends.
This is what I have tossed around in my head about some people for a long time and this week it was even more pertinent.
But the difference with this week is that I reached the conclusion that actually, it is not me – it is them.
Yep that’s it.
In them I am looking for a certain type of friendship. The type they can get from me. After all I am honest, loyal, motivating and try even when things are hard in my life to at least be on the other end of a phone for my friends.
But they do things differently to me. We are different. They or their type of friendship serves no purpose to me anymore.
Perhaps in the past it did, we had more commonalities, a bond. But it has sadly evaporated. And though I have continued to think of them as ‘Friends’ in truth they have not been the type of friend I have needed for a good few years.
My life has been a whirlwind since having my daughter, energy, time, thoughts, worries have all been about her. Occasionally I lift my head out of the fog and that is when no one is there.
I like them. I do. But it is not so much about us growing apart, it is more we have no common ground in terms of relationships. Because you can be friends even if your lives are completely different, it is whether you share similar values in maintaining friendships that keeps the relationship alive.
I can be friends with anyone, I do not discriminate lol, employed not employed, Black, White, pink blue etc you get the picture. For that person to be a real friend I need to trust you, feel comfortable being myself and want the best for you. And they the same towards me.
Real friend questionnaire:
*** Your friend is around your house chilling – you are tired and want them to leave – would you ask them to leave?
*** You’re upset with your boyfriend and spill the beans to your friend – she sees his point, is that cool?
*** Does your friend know your mums name?
*** Would you allow your friend around when you have no food in the house and it’s messy?
Friends take you warts and all. They like you when you have nothing to give them.
And don’t judge, but try and understand. A friend will challenge your opinion and not take your side just so you can carry on complaining. A friend considers you.
A friend will know when you are upset and even if they don’t know what to do they will show they care.