Ending a Friendship

Dear Friend,

I wanted to say goodbye.

Our friendship has come to an end and I wanted you to know why.

You have been a scar on my heart for the last few years.

And finally, I have found a way to heal this scar for good.

I write this at a particularly poignant time as I have just had my final re opening of the scar, one final reminder of why I am saying goodbye.

This week I have been unsettled and moody at times, I was revisiting an old wound and started to pick away at it. I did not even mean to but a combination of events, comments and actions by various people slowly pushed me towards dwelling or ‘ruminating’ as a past CBT counsellor called it on actions and things people have said or even failed to say.

I tossed and turned questions and thoughts in my mind and kept coming back to the same conclusion.

“They just don’t like me.”

“They” are people who I called “Friends”. People I have worked with, been on holiday with, drank, danced, laughed with. People who I have celebrated birthdays, births and special occasions with. People I have been to school with, gossiped about boys with and who have seen me in various states of inhibriations across the years.

And yet, as I thought across various times in my life when I really wanted or needed someone – not to party with, not to gossip about boys with or drink with. Instead someone to show emotional support in times of need , show a level of friendship that went beyond the artificial.

I struggled to think of people. 

Times of heartbreak, where were the “Get over him drinks?” Or girls rallying around? When my daughter had certain tests or procedures where were the calls of concern or visits? When I had trips to A&E where was the concern beyond a text?

“But hang on everyone has stuff going on in their own lives! You selfish b*tch stop being so self centred and get your head out your ass” – I imagine a lot of people might be thinking at this point.

I am not unique. I am not the only one to feel left out or alone, forgotten.  I am not, I am not the first and I won’t be the last.

But I have chosen to deal with it differently from here on in – as it has been a painful thing to carry around.

Blaming myself, feeling responsible. Feeling different.

Yes it is true there are people who are going though worse things, but however hard a situation is to someone their pain is relevant to them right? It is however in those times of need you would like to think you can turn to friends.

This is what I have tossed around in my head about some people for a long time and this week it was even more pertinent.

But the difference with this week is that I reached the conclusion that actually, it is not me – it is them.

Yep that’s it.

In them I am looking for a certain type of friendship. The type they can get from me. After all I am honest, loyal, motivating and try even when things are hard in my life to at least be on the other end of a phone for my friends.

But they do things differently to me. We are different. They or their type of friendship serves no purpose to me anymore.

Perhaps in the past it did, we had more commonalities, a bond. But it has sadly evaporated. And though I have continued to think of them as ‘Friends’ in truth they have not been the type of friend I have needed for a good few years.

My life has been a whirlwind since having my daughter, energy, time, thoughts, worries have all been about her. Occasionally I lift my head out of the fog and that is when no one is there.

I like them. I do. But it is not so much about us growing apart, it is more we have no common ground in terms of relationships. Because you can be friends even if your lives are completely different, it is whether you share similar values in maintaining friendships that keeps the relationship alive.

I can be friends with anyone, I do not discriminate lol, employed not employed, Black, White, pink blue etc you get the picture. For that person to be a real friend I need to trust you, feel comfortable being myself and want the best for you.  And they the same towards me.

Real friend questionnaire:

*** Your friend is around your house chilling – you are tired and want them to leave – would you ask them to leave?

*** You’re upset with your boyfriend and spill the beans to your friend – she sees his point, is that cool?

*** Does your friend know your mums name?

*** Would you allow your friend around when you have no food in the house and it’s messy?

Friends take you warts and all. They like you when you have nothing to give them. 

And don’t judge, but try and understand. A friend will challenge your opinion and not take your side just so you can carry on complaining. A friend considers you.

A friend will know when you are upset and even if they don’t know what to do they will show they care.

 

XoXo

 

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17 thoughts on “Ending a Friendship

  1. This is amazing. So honest and straightforward. I especially love this line: “A friend will know when you are upset and even if they don’t know what to do they will show they care.” Sometimes we grow apart from our friends, and that is OK! The most important thing is to realize it and take action. Let go of the guilt and just do what you need to do to TAKE CARE OF YOU!

    Love this!!

  2. Great post! With every step in life comes a time to say goodbye, not only to the previous chapter, but sometimes also to the people who only saw you for who you were then and can’t embrace who you are now, by then they are no longer friends. Loved this read, thank you for sharing #Passthesauce

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x

  3. A very honest post. Sometimes we have to cut out certain friends because they have just become too toxic to be in our lives. Nothing to feel guilty about, it is what we have to do sometimes 🙂 #passthesauce

  4. this is such a heartfelt post and these are how all posts should be written as they mean so much more … i think lots of people go through this and i’ve read others struggling with friendships as life moves on … I am a firm believer that friends can be transient and actually friends really can change over the years – my closest friends recently were people I didn’t even know last year. I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience but your post shows such warmth and strength and I bet you feel a whole lot better having pressed that punish button! #passthesauce

  5. Wow this is amazing, and you are so brave for writing this. I have had the same problem for YEARS. Even when I was kid. And finally in college, I said what you said. It’s not me, it’s THEM. Thank you for sharing, you’re not alone.

  6. A very thoughtful post. I think it is always better to not have people in your life if they’re making you miserable. Your post is wonderfully honest. I have a very small group of friends who I love and that is preferable to me than lots of half-friends #passthesauce

  7. You were fab in #tribalchat tonight and I wanted to come and check out your post, I love it. I totally agree that some people just aren’t there when the going gets tough. You learn who your real friends are, and the ones who stick around are always worth standing by. Hope you feel a little lighter and happier after letting go of those friendships.

  8. No I don’t think you’re moaning etc. I totally relate to this post! Breaking those friendships that don’t serve us…it’s the hardest (but necessary) thing to do. I mentioned something similar in my 2015 end of year lookback and said how I needed to just accept that I wasn’t going to get a particular person to care about me the way I do about them and I needed to decide whether to stick it out or walk away. It’s amazing how philosophical we become when a year ends. 4 months into 2016 and have I have I walked away?! Nope. Thanks for sharing such an honest post on #passthesauce

  9. This is poignant and on point. I had to share this on my FB timeline because I am often questioned about my ability to walk away from “friendships”, but they were exactly the type of friendship you’re talking about here. Thank you for sharing this. #AnythingGoes

    1. Thank you for commenting and sharing, it is something that was hard to write and hard to do. But sometimes when something hurts you enough times you have to make a different choice 🙂 x

  10. What a poignant letter! I felt like someone had just socked me in the stomach and my heart aches for your pain, for what you are going through. I guess that’s what sometimes we have to – re-evaluate, take stock and move on, with or without some of these people we call friends. It is painful but the right thing to do. #PasstheSauce

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