“God only gives you what YOU can handle”
I used to hate seeing this Instagram/Facebook “motivational” saying.
It made me think God was a spiteful God and one that was trying to bring me to my knees – as I wasn’t handling this special needs journey at all. I used to be resentful at times towards God. I have always been a believer, felt He was real. I occasionally went to church but fell out of love with the guilt associated with church and thus my relationship with God dwindled.
I would pray, but only to ask for things.
“God please bring me a good man”
“God please let me get this job”
“God please let this hangover go and I promise I won’t drink so much next time” – shamefully that has been a real prayer.
So when things got real with the arrival of my daughter I felt He was unfair. I had tried to be healthy during my pregnancy, I hadn’t drunk or taken drugs. I prayed a lot for a healthy child. I feel I didn’t sin very much and tried to be honest with others and be kind.
So why was he ‘punishing’ me. What did I do wrong?
Again I prayed at times we would have results coming or procedures looming.
Praying for the best for G. Pleading with him to make her okay. And as time has gone on….things have been “ok” in fact more than ok.
And you know what? I didn’t even thank Him.
I just crossed my fingers and hoped things would remain well and that life would be cool that I didn’t need to pray to Him.
Praying to Him was always associated with devastatingly scary circumstance where I felt helpless.
G is now 6, and over the course of the last 2 years I have been on a journey to keep my mental wellbeing positive. There were so many dark moments that I had to do something, which took me on my route to counselling.
From there I studied counselling and learned an enormous amount about myself. I felt different. I was different.
But something was still missing… And it was a relationship with God…I felt I needed that connection but didn’t know how or where to go.
I went back to my church and felt the same – bored and disconnected. Disheartened, I wasn’t sure if I would get that relationship…
But over these last 6 months I have had a big change…I stumbled across these YouTube sermons and they spoke to me. Over the last few months I have felt my relationship with God change.
I see how he has blessed me. Over and over and over and I just hadn’t recognised or given any real thanks.
I prayed for a child. He gave me one.
I prayed for a new job. He gave me one – the most worthwhile job in the world, being a mother. He gave me a child even more unique and created the opportunity for me to learn, listen and change in order to become a good parent.
The ‘challenges’ have been lessons.
Lessons to know I am resilient.
Know that I am able.
Know I am willing.
Know I can be selfless.
Know that I have flaws and that in order to be a better parent I have to work on those flaws to help my child.
I have learned levels of empathy, acceptance and patience I never imagined I could have. I have also learned the importance of forgiveness.
Of self love.
Of self care.
God never punished me. He blessed me over and over again. He created opportunities for me to see the magic in ‘little’ achievements.
Rolling, crawling, pulling to stand, walking, saying first words, eating, feeding independently…all ‘little’ things that have taken enormous effort, patience and understanding.
He blessed me with a child who far surpasses most for kindness, resilience, empathy and caring and I have to Thank HIM as she is heaven sent.
She has helped me help others. She has helped me find a different voice and purpose. Outside of myself. It is not about “living my best life” with the best cars, houses and holidays. It is about loving ” my life” and my blessings, which I do.
So daily I say Thank You. I don’t just ask. I praise him for my journey. I thank Him for the opportunity. I am grateful for every moment, tear, worry, smile, laugh, great result we have been given. And I will continue to praise HIM as He always has our best intentions at heart.
HE hears us, and gives us what we need when we need it though we may not understand it at that time.
What we see as “pain’ might in fact be “gain”. We might be opening the door for future children, families with our own journeys.
Thank you God. It can be tough but I know You are there and You have a plan and a purpose for everything.