More often than not it is triggered by my ex partner, he may do or say something that digs deep in my soul and tugs on my most vulnerable emotions.
These ‘knocked down’ times have – I must admit have become less and less, but I want them gone completely.
1. When I see people going on exciting holidays or exciting activities and you get jealous and think “I can no longer indulge in these exciting ‘YOLO’ trips”
Don’t feel angry that they have freedom.
Don’t feel angry that they have these opportunities or the means to afford to do them.
My life might not have that flexibility Right Now, but it will. Be happy with the knowledge that I am creating meaningful memories with my daughter and sharing time with her that I will never get back. I am NOT my circumstances.
Psalm 30:5 Weeping may endure for a night, but I know joy is coming in the morning.
2. When I think about ‘friends’ and think I don’t have many – recognise that what I don’t have in QUANTITY I do have in QUALITY and luckily that includes family members. I get help, support encouragement, laughter and love from my Mum, Dad, Dad 2, Brother and a few good friends.
That is less than some – more than others. I am blessed and have all that I need right now. Sometimes when I look around and think I don’t SEE the people who care – they might be the ones saying a prayer for me, thinking good thoughts of me and be the ones to help in unexpected times of need.
3.Remember when I prayed for strength when I got my daughters diagnosis? Remember when I prayed for patience when I would compare her development to others? And remember I prayed that things would improve?
Well – my prayers are answered every- single- day. I get up, I get on and do my best for my daughter every day.
There is no one there to cook me dinner, or have a laugh with at home, there is no one there to share the tasks of taking your daughter to the GP, Hospital, Physio, OT, or Nursery. It is you . I make the phone calls, chase appointments, fight battles for her. –That is strength in action.
Remember when you prayed for patience?
Well I am are still learning and adjusting to this. It still hurts that I’ve never heard my daughter say “mummy”, it burns when she babbles and you have no idea what she is saying. It crushes you when you see your daughter trying to interact with other children but gets ignored or misunderstood.
I feel on the outside of ‘normal’ when friends get together and talk about ‘normal’ stuff like potty training or their kids being cheeky or how good they are doing at school – and you have a totally different experience of parenting.
It is frustrating, isolating and sad. But I carry on, because she will get there – in her time and that patience I prayed for is keeping the pieces of my heart soldered together.
Remember when I prayed things would improve? Well they have and they get better all the time.
I prayed she would crawl- she did.
I prayed she would feed herself with her bottle – she did.
I prayed and prayed and prayed she would walk – and many times it felt like maybe the prayers were not getting answered –
But she can now walk .
There are endless things that have improved and things I am waiting for to still happen – but they will.
4. This is the happiest you have been in your life. Remember this.
It is hard – But I was chosen to do this. Until your daughter came along life had little meaning, direction, passion or direction.
Now I am the most determined I have ever been, all of me is pushing her, she knows how to be happy as she is surrounded by happiness.
Remember the small things, you get to kiss your precious gift each night and every morning. You wipe away her tears; celebrate her achievements big and small. You shape, encourage, push her to be the best she can be.
It may sometimes feel like you are stuck, nothing is improving, opportunities pass you – but life right now is not a set back – it is a set up for the best possible future for the two of you!