Wheelchair Worrysome Wobble
This last week has been intense with meetings and appointments as usual, one of the meetings that was had, it was decided we needed to arrange a pram wheel chair for G.
Internally I cried, externally I listed the reasons she now needs one.
Later that afternoon, after the meeting, we had an afternoon Occupational Therapy session, as we left I was about to pop her in her pram, when I decided against it and walked on holding her hand instead. She walked along side me for a few steps, then stopped and tugged my hand.
I stopped, and said to her, “Can we walk just a little further?” She sighed and said Otay (Okay) and we shuffled on…G walked the length of that road, for about 5-6 minutes! It was slow and she protested a few more times but it was as if she was showing me. This wheelchair is not going to become a big part of our lives.
Below is a post I wrote in the summer last year…
I had a wobble today – an internal tremor, about my daughter not being able to walk.
As I carried my daughter out of our flat, the slight pain in my lower back made me realise she has put on more weight. She’s getting really heavy. A fully fledged toddler.
I was taking her to the local park, so she could walk on the grass (Which is uneven) to help with her leg strength. She’s been ‘walking’ since February and has gained lots of confidence, its July now and she is enjoying her upright freedom. She is an awesome warrior who has had to do so much to achieve what she has – but we are not quite finished. She is very off balance, she has weaknesses in her legs and cannot step over thresholds without holding on and she cannot managing going up/down stairs.
So we do daily activities to work on these things.
As we left our flat, we walked across the road and was midway up the street when she started to protest, tugging my arm and smothering her face in my hand which held on to hers – her way of telling me to pick her up. She was tired. We hadn’t even walked 10 meters.
I resisted and encouraged her to walk a little further, but she adamantly tugged harder and made a noise to show her frustration. I sighed and popped her in the pram.
What if she always found it hard to walk far? The possibility of a wheel chair looms in my mind. My heart sinks at the thought of it. Although a help for her, I feel sad at that prospect. I also worry about how much of a physical strain it will be on me. She is already heavy.
I try not to think too far into the future, plan just far enough so that I remain focused on her doing her best. But times like this make me think about her future and my future. My mind conjures up images I want to dust away. I want her to be physically able; I want her to be independent. I don’t want to be a carer my whole life. I want to be her mummy.
I feel selfish for thinking of myself, and feel fear for her possible future. It is all unknown.
We get to the park and she ‘runs’ around for a short while, she then indicates she wants to sit down. When I ask her does she want to go home she says “Yes Please”.
It is hard work for her; she is tired and doesn’t want to ‘play’ any more. Again that unsettled feeling swirls in my chest. I have to keep on hoping that she is going to be independent, able to walk and run freely- so tomorrow I will take her swimming as planned and may even go to the park once again.
I’d love to hear if you have similar days to these, Do these guilt and worrying days get less?